"Royal Flush" - 2013 International Contest Speech.

My 2013 International Contest Speech. I came 1st at club level and second at Area Level with this speech. Copyright of the speech and photos belongs to Zani Smit. 

A royal Flush is considered the ultimate poker hand. It’ s made up of 5 car
ds, all from the same suit - 10, Jack, Queen, King, Ace.

 The probability of making a royal flush is almost impossible.
In terms of odds, your chances of getting this unbeatable combination in a game of poker is six hundred and forty nine thousand, seven hundred and thirty nine (649 739) to 1.

Mr. Contest Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen. We all want that Royal Flush in Life.

But here is a question for you...

If we were all players in the game of life what would a royal flush even look like. And Is it even achievable?

The year was 1770. A boy was born in a cold dark attic room at his family home in Germany. It was not an easy birth and the boy barely survived. But he did survive and in doing so he slightly raised the odds for his parents who lost four children in infancy.

Life wasn’t easy for this boy who had a sick mother and an alcoholic father who was harsh and never realized this boy’s potential.

In Poker terms we can say this boy got dealt a louzy hand in life and from the outset the odds were not in his favour.But the odds can change, even in a poker game. It just takes one card.

And this boy Ludwig van Beethoven did get this one card that changed everything - Music!


At the age of of 7½ Beethoven performed his first concert and later he composed 9 symphonies, 5 concertos for piano, 32 piano sonatas, and 16 string quartets.But Beethoven’s luck did not last very long and he began to lose his hearing at age 28.By the last decade of his life he was almost totally deaf and he could no longer play his own compositions.

 The year was 2012, the shopping malls reflected fairy lights in their windows, the music was upbeat. It was two weeks before Christmas and I was in the middle of a poker game.

The dealer dealt me my first three cards and I was relieved that I had a steady hand – loving family, good job and my third card was very special. It was my very own personal cheerleader.  Someone who inspired me, who taught me about classical music and filled our home with his beautiful piano rendition of Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

Everyone placed their bets and then came my next card.
 I could not continue with the game, I sat frozen at the table my world falling apart- my cheerleader had just passed away.I wanted to fold my hand then and there.  It was so easy to give up and admit that life had defeated me.

 But I stayed sitting at the poker table and waited and waited for my last card - This card was different from the others. It had a picture of me on it and it said “you are in control of your own destiny”.

 Ladies and Gentlemen what is life but a random selection of cards? What I’ve realized is  When life gives you a poor hand to play with, it’s up to you to change the odds. Even if your biggest cheerleader is no longer there, even if you lose your hearing you can continue playing. You don’t need anyone else to believe in you, the only person that needs to believe in you is yourself.

Every time I perfect my school figures on the dance floor, hear applause when I leave the podium or move my tired feet across the finish line – I rejoice that my gambling days are long over.

 And Beethoven, while completely deaf he went on to compose Symphony number 5 the most popular and best-known composition in classical music, and one of the most played symphonies that we encounter frequently in popular culture.

 Now that’s what I call a Royal Flush.

CC9 - Invisible Stories

9th CC Toastmaster speech. The objective is to Persuade with Power. Copyright of the speech and photos belongs to Zani Smit. Side note: 4 months after presenting this speech, I had the privilege to visit Arlington Cemetery and stand next to J.F.K's grave. (see photos)

It all started in the corner of a smoky Beverly Hills bar, a legendary but fading singer stands, nursing a drink, a cigarette and – much to his distress – a cold.

My fellow journalists. Tonight I want to share with you just a little snippet of Talese’s masterpiece.I’m sure you’ve all heard of the Esquire magazine writer Gay Talese who recounted that cold night in 1966 with his story “Sinatra has a cold”. Instead of writing another old and boring celebrity interview, Gay Talese started a revolution in journalism.

“FRANK SINATRA, holding a glass of bourbon in one hand and a cigarette in the other, stood in a dark corner of the bar between two attractive but fading blondes who sat waiting for him to say something. But he said nothing; he had been silent during much of the evening, except now in this private club in Beverly Hills he seemed even more distant.

Sinatra was ill. He was the victim of an ailment so common that most people would consider it trivial. But when it gets to Sinatra it can plunge him into a state of anguish, deep depression, panic, even rage. Frank Sinatra had a cold."

We all want to be part of the journalism revolution that Talese started but then why are our newspapers and magazines filled with the same-old-same-old stories.

Do you really want to write about another ATM bombing, rhino-poaching, Julius-Malema rally. I dare you to go out there and find – The Invisible stories. They are not so difficult to find, you just need to know where NOT TO GO. Editors are quick to say that News is where journalists are. But what if I told you tonight that maybe it is where journalists aren’t.

I was working as a foreign correspondent in America when their president JFK was assassinated. We were more than 3000 print journalists who rushed over to Capitol Rotunda to view the presidents’ body and to interview celebrities and politicians. Needless to say all 3000 of us got the same old same old story- the one about a dead body.

One journalist – Jimmy Breslin did not. Instead of following the heard of sheep to Capitol Rotunda, Jimmy went somewhere else because he believed that News is where journalists aren’t.

He was a lone reporter walking around Arlington National Cemetery where he interviewed a man of no real importance the Grave digger. This gravedigger only gets paid $3.01 an hour for digging graves whether it is the late president grave or John Does.

Published in the New York Herald Tribune in November 1963 I give you a little extract of “Digging JFK’s Grave was his honour" by Jimmy Breslin.

"Clifton Pollard was pretty sure he was going to be working on Sunday, so when he woke up at 9 a.m., in his three-room apartment on Corcoran Street, he put on khaki overalls before going into the kitchen for breakfast. His wife, Hettie, made bacon and eggs for him. Pollard was in the middle of eating them when he received the phone call he had been expecting.

It was from Mazo Kawalchik, who is the foreman of the gravediggers at Arlington National Cemetery, which is where Pollard works for a living. "Polly, could you please be here by eleven o'clock this morning?" Kawalchik asked. "I guess you know what it's for." Pollard did. He hung up the phone, finished breakfast, and left his apartment so he could spend Sunday digging a grave for John Fitzgerald Kennedy."

This account is still considered today the definitive piece of reporting on the assassination. It’s 48 years later, Breslin’s column has been reprinted many times, and even today this seemingly invisible story is able to move me to tears. I want to challenge you to do the same.

CC8 - Elke pot het 'n deksel

8th CC Toastmaster speech. The objective was to use visual aids to support your speech.
The copyright of the speech belongs to Zani Smit.

Meneer die Tafelheer, Dames en Here

Elke pot het ‘n Deksel, maak nie saak hoe krom, dom of skeef die pot is nie.

‘n Pot kan nooit sy volle potensiaal bereik, mits die pot sy regmaatige deksel het nie.

En ja Meneer die President van S.A - ‘n pot kort net 1 deksel nie 3 nie.

Wat kan gebeur as jy die verkerde deksel op jou pot forseer? Jy verander in ‘n drukkoker wat enige tyd kan ontplof want jou deksel sit te styf, of jy brand aan want jou deksel pas glad nie.

Daar is potte wat rond dans met deksels wat te los sit en ander staan weer roerloos – te bang hulle skewe deksels val dalk af. Nuwe potte skaam hulle vir hul ou vaal deksels.

Selfs Blinkgeskuurde ou potte lyk sommer net simpel met splinternuwe deksels op. Dit is dus uiters belangrik dat jy die regte deksel vir jou pot kry.

Kom ons bestudeer van die bekendse pot & deksel kombinasies in die geskiedenis. Adam en Eva, Simson en Delila, Romeo en Juliet, Bonnie en Clyde, Sonny en Cher, Brad en Angelina en selfs Barbie en Ken.

Al hierdie kombinasies werk en dit is duidelik dat op hul eie so hul defnitief nie so bekend of suksesvul sou gewees het nie.

Sekere deksels is maklik om op te spoor, anderis deksels moeilik. 20 jaar terug moes enkeloopendes op Landbou weekblad se Hoekie vir Eensames staatmaak. Gelukkig vir ons het dinge verander en daar is nou baie ander plekke om jou deksel te ontmoet. My nommer een voorstel is om jou deksel in die donker te ontmoet.Die fliek, ‘n nagklub, ‘n hysbak sonder krag is alles ideale geleenthede vir ‘n goeie 1ste indruk. Ek was self in die uiters bevoorregte posisie om 7 jaar gelede my “deksel” te ontmoet op ‘n Woensdag aand in Maart 2003. Net ‘n paar bloke van waar ons nou is. Dit was ‘n baie donker aand en ‘n baie donker vertrek. Maar Drop Zone was die perfekte geseligheid vir ‘n 1ste ontmoeting. Wat is die voordeel om iemand in die donker te ontmoet. Almal lyk goed in die donker. Die donkerte gaan gewoonlik gepaard met baie harde musiek so jy hoef nie bekommerd te wees oor of jul gesprek vloei nie. Dit is ook maklik om weg te hardloop as jy sien die deksel is nie vir jou nie.

My nommer twee idée is om jou deksel perongeluk optespoor. In hierdie kategorie kan jy baie kreatief wees. Ry agter in sy motor vas, dan moet hy vra vir jou telefoon nommer.

Nog ‘n voorstel Boek jouself in die hospital of ‘n rehabilitasie sentrum in en flankeer met jou mede pasiente of selfs met die dokters.
Die voordele van so ‘n ontmoeting – julle sal ‘n fantastiese storie he om eendag vir jul kinders en klein kinders te vertel. Dinge kan ook net beter gaan na hierdie tragiese ontmoeting.

Kuns klasse, Tango Lesse en my gunsteling Toastmasters. Almal weet dat mense nie stokperdies doen vir ontspanning nie, hulle doen dit net om iemand anders te ontmoet.

Die internet en kletskamers, Facebook, Mixit en Twitter het die moontlik gemaak om deksels van reg oor die wereld te ontmoet. Of jy nou ‘n bruid van Rusland of ‘n metgesel vir jou matriek reunie nodig het, jy kan kies en keur op die Internet.

Die enigste nadeel .... jou deksel kan dalk ‘n reeks moordenaar wees.

Dames en Here, met hierdie voorstelle hoef jy nie meer soos ‘n deksel te voel wat jou hele lewe lank al die pot mis sit nie.

Revenge of the Rainforest

My 7th CC Toastmaster speech. The objective was research. The copyright of the speech belongs to Zani Smit

Mr Toastmaster,

Some of the most important events in the twentieth century took years to accomplish, while others took only minutes.

Let’s look at some of the highlights of this century.

• 1st Flight by Wright brothers
• World War I
• Titanic Sank
• The Assassination of Gandhi
• Creation of Star Wars
• Nelson Mandela being released from prison

I want you for a moment to imagine a small and trivial event of this century, like the paving of the Kinshasa highway in the nineteen seventies.

The paving of this highway may seem insignificant to you but what if I told you it affected every person on earth, and turned out to be one of the most important events in the twentieth century.

Before the highway was paved and become known as The Aids Highway, a little boy called Richard Preston and his family went on a trip to Mount Elgon that lies between the border of Uganda and Kenya, not far from Sudan. They wanted to visit this biological island of rain forest in the center of Africa, and isolated world rising above dry plants, fifty miles across, blanketed with trees. Another cool fact about this Mountain was that is may have been the highest mountain in Africa if it was not eroded down, even higher than Kilimanjaro is today, it is still the widest.

The road to Mount Elgon is a segment of the Kinshasa highway, a road that cuts Africa in half. During the time that the Preston’s took the trip the road was a dirt track that advanced through the heart of Africa, almost impossible to traverse along its complete length.

But how could the paving of this road have such a dramatic impact on humanity? It killed at least 10 million lives, with the likelihood that the ultimate number of human casualties will vastly exceed the deaths in the Second World War When long sections of the road were paved, the trucks began rolling through and soon afterward the Aids virus appeared in towns along the highway. Medical doctors who work in East Africa believe that 90 percent of the prostitutes working along the main roads carry the Aids virus. Local doctors estimate that as many as 30 percent of all men and women of child bearing age who live in the vicinity of Mount Elgon are infected with HIV.

The emergence of HIV was subtle; it incubates for years in a human host before it kills the host. If the virus had been noticed earlier, it might have been named Kinshasa Highway, in honor of the fact that it passed along the Kinshasa highway during its emergence from the African forest.

Years later when Richard Preston became a number one bestselling author with his book “The Hot Zone” he recalls “In effect, I had witnessed a crucial event in the emergence of Aids, the transformation of a thread of dirt into a ribbon of tar.”

The emergence of Aids, Ebola and any number of other rain forest agents appears to be a natural consequence of the ruin of the tropical biosphere. The emerging viruses are surfacing from ecologically damaged parts of the earth, like Mount Elgon. The tropical rain forests are the deep reservoirs of life on the planet, containing most of the world’s plant and animal species. The rain forests are also its largest reservoirs of viruses, since all living things carry viruses. When viruses come out of an ecosystem, they tend to spread in waves through the human population, like echoes from the dying biosphere.

There are many villages around Mount Elgon and the forest is being cleared away, the trees are being cut down for firewood or to make room for grazing land, and the elephants are vanishing.

In a sense, the earth is mounting and immune response against the human species. It is beginning to react to the human parasite, the flooding infection of people, and the dead spots of concrete all over the planet.

Perhaps the biosphere does not like the idea of 5 billion humans. Nature has interesting ways of balancing itself. The rain forest has its own defenses. The earth’s immune system has recognized the presence of human species and is starting to kick in. The earth is attempting to rid itself of an infection by the human parasite.

“Aids” is the worst environmental disaster of the twentieth century.Whether the human race can actually maintain a population of five billion or more without a crash with a hot virus remains an open question - unanswered. What we do know is that Aids is the revenge of the rain forest. It may be only the beginning.

Mr. Toastmaster

CC5 How to stay the Topdog

My 5th CC toastmaster speech. The objective was body language.

copyright of the speech belongs to Zani Smit

It's a dog eat dog world out there. The only way to survive is to dominate your pack and declare yourself the topdog , if you don't then automatically you'll be the underdog.

Madam Toastmaster, Ladies & Gentlemen I never knew anything about being the TopDog also known as the Alpha Dog or the Leader, until I decided to Buy a new puppy.
People buy puppies for different reasons. Some need help on their farms others want a guard dog, I just wanted a companion (Who couldn't speak back)

So how did I end up being the Topdog in a household with one husband, one hamster and a brand new foxterrier puppy named Bella. That's what I'm going to tell you tonight. Since day one Bella never stood a chance to challenge my Topdog position. Before she was born I did a lot of research on establishing and keeping alpha position and making sure that Bella knows who's the boss. Me. My research told me that it's very important that a dog knows his place in your human pack. A dog lacking in this order is an unhappy dog who will show signs of aggression, separation anxiety and no respect for humans.

On my fridge I printed a list of rules that every dog owner should follow to ensure that his dog knows his place in their human pack. I made sure that my husband also memorized this list, threatening him with the dog house if he slipped up.

So on our first day as dogowners we picked up Bella from a farm. She was only 6 weeks old and not used to the tiny collar that we put around her neck.

After taking her to the Vet for her injections it was time for the first pack walk. The number one way to communicate to a dog that you are his pack leader is to take him for a walk. Not the type of walk most humans take their dogs on but a pack walk where the dog is made to heel beside or behind the human who is holding the lead. This is most important for all dogs, as in a dog's mind, the leader always leads the ways.

Now the first pack walk is the most difficult. It took me 10 minutes to get Bella to stop eating her leash. Bella spoeg, spoeg dit uit, sies man. Soet hondjie, Soet hondjie. Ouch! I then had to drag her out of the yard. We made a little bit of progress until… the entire neighbourhoods dogs stared barking to the tune of Who let the dogs out. Woof Woof Woof Woof Bella wouldn't move an inch, so I picked her up (buk af) and carried her in my arms back home. Big mistake my husband reminded me, now she was going to develop Small dog syndrome. There goes your alpha position he smiled.

I wasn't about to give up I was after all the TopDog and had a few other internet tips at my disposal. If you ever want to become the TOPDOG in your pack, you need to know that is hard work. We had to completely change the way we do things. Now walking into a doorway was an issue. Why? Because the alpha dog must always enter a room first and if you've got an enthusiastic fox terrier it's very difficult to get anywhere first.

It also involved a lot of mind games especially during dinner time. All humans must eat before the dogs, as the leader always eats first. Here comes the tricky part. When you give your dog food you must eat a small snack first while the dog is watching, lay the snack near the dogs food so that he thinks you are eating out of his bowl. Having staring contests with the dog is also out because if you blink first or avert your gaze, it will only reinforce, in the dogs mind, that He is Top Dog.

After having Bella around for a few weeks the rules started to become routine and I felt like wagging my tail. There was only one aspect of being the Top Dog that I couldn't get right. Hiding my emotions such as fear, anxiety or nervousness from the Beta dog. Because a dog can sense these emotions they will see you as weak and want to take control as the leader. Whenever something upset me and I wanted to freak out I had to stay calm, assertive and consistent. I had to adapt my body language and instead of hunching my shoulders when the lightning stuck I stood very straight up with my shoulder pushed pack. All of a sudden the whole household was happy from the hamster to the husband and the new foxterrier puppy. Why? Because even though my bark is worse than my bite – I am 100% the topdog.

Madam Toastmaster

Toastmasters CC4 - How to say it

CC4 – Pushing up Daisies

copyright of this speech belongs to Zani Smit

HERE IS A SMALL FACT You are - going - to die.

One of these days you will bite the dust,
meet your maker,
enter the eternal abyss,
soon you'll be pushing up daisies

Mr Toastmaster, Ladies and Gentleman. No matter how gently I try to tell you about your future, the facts remain the same – we are all going to die

If you are a toastmaster then you've got nothing to worry about. A recent survey found that people are more afraid of public speaking than of dying.
I'm not one of those people! I prefer being up here talking to you, instead of listening to a bunch of boring sentimental speeches at my own funeral.

Why am I scared of meeting the grim reaper? It's the fear of the unkown. I can only rely on my imagination ….he will arrive silently one cold evening, covered in a black hood as dark as the night, his bony hands grasping my soul.

Unfortunately when we die we don't get an invitation stating the When, where and how.
Doomsday Prophecies tell us that we don't have to worry about the When. On December 21 2012 the world will come to an end. That leaves us with 1023 days to worry about the where and how and with 58 Toastmaster meetings to discuss it.

What scares me more than the fear of the unknown is the prospect of pain. Just think about all the excruciating ways a person can die … drowning in the turbulent ocean, falling hundreds of feet with the wind in your ears and the blurry ground rapidly coming into focus, burning your insides with a tiny glass bottle containing a clear liquid – poison … Romeo & Juliet made it seem so Romantic – What William Shakespeare forget to tell us was the pain.

But the secret is not how to die, it's how to live. Princess Diana died in a horrible car accident but when you think about her what do you remember? How she died or how she hugged an aids orphan.

At her funeral Sir Elton John paid tribute to her with the following lyrics: "Goodbye England's rose
May you ever grow in our hearts
You were the grace that placed itself
Where lives were torn apart
And your footsteps will always fall you
Along England's greenest hills
Your candle's burned out long before
Your legend never will"

Princess Diana was Englands Rose. But her memory did not fade away like the colours of the rose petals after a few days, her good deeds did not become irrelevant. She left an amazing legacy behind. Even with a dying rose you can find beauty in the decay.

We should all follow in Diana's footsteps. Instead of worrying about dying we should focus on living. Friendships, relationships, good deeds, love.. .. you can work on all these things right now. You can leave an amazing legacy behind.

Ladies and Gentlemen

HERE IS A SMALL FACT

You are – still alive.

Mr. Toastmaster

Finance for non-financial Managers - Section1: Global Financial systems

A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You make biltong

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
* You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You go on strike because you want three cows.
* They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone else's cows and shoot their owner.

A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
* A farmer has two cows.
* You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
* You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* Both are mad.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You pray to them for food.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You count them and learn you have five cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
* You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
* You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* You have 300 people milking them.
* You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
* You have two cows.
* The one on the left is kinda cute

Invictus - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

Toastmaters CC3 - get to the point

Here is my CC3 speech that I gave at my Toastmaster club. The objective of the speech is to get to the point. The copyright of this entire speech belongs to Zani Smit and may not be reproduced.

CRY ME A RIVER - Zani Smit

We all enter this world crying, and then 50 or 60 or 80 years later when we’re again pink and wrinkly we leave this world with everyone else crying at our funerals.

Madam Toastmaster, ladies & Gentlemen

My favorite memory of my dad is not of him laughing when I told a knock-knock joke, or getting excited when he opened his X-mass present of blue handkerchiefs. It is of him sitting next to me in the movie theater. I was only 10 years old and we were watching Lion King. I didn’t have a box of popcorn on my lap but a box of Kleenex because my Dad was bawling his eyes out. I still remember the scene, Mufasa’s Ghost said: “Look inside yourself Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life. Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King.”

I stored this memory of my Dad and years later when he had to walk me down the aisle I was well prepared for his tears and had a bunch of tissues hidden underneath my wedding veil.

Why do we love to cry? And why is it so important to cry? Maybe it’s because crying is so spontaneous even more so than laughing. Let’s first take a look at why woman cry. When your boyfriend gets down on one knee and pops the question it’s only natural to cry. He wouldn’t be impressed if you started laughing when you saw the size of that diamond. It’s also very natural to cry when you get a speeding ticket for driving 100 in an 80 zone and you’re pulled over by the metro police. There I said it – Woman use crying as a manipulation tool.

Are there any males in this audience who likes to cry? Please raise your hand if you do. When is it acceptable for men to cry… when they are chopping an onion, when their sports team loses or when their little girl’s heart gets broken for the very first time.

According to various cultures there are many acceptable reasons to cry .The first reason to cry is death. Grieving includes crying and people still believe that if someone does not cry at a funeral, they would suffer physically because they did not release their pain. Experiences in life and love are other reasons society allows us to cry. Cultures around the world are pro crying out of obligation, for show, and for grief and pain. We need to cry to function in the world.

Crying is a more complicated process than one would at first imagine. First of all, you get different types of tears.
1) Basal tears keep our eyes lubricated.
2) Reflex tears are produced when our eyes get irritated – like when you are chopping an onion.
3) The last kind of tear is produced when the body reacts emotionally to something.

Each type of tear contains different amounts of chemical proteins and hormones. Crying reduces these hormone and chemical levels in the body, and helps us return to a calm

That is why crying is beneficial to us both emotionally and physically. Traditionally Women have been allowed to cry more than men but the benefits of crying seem to suggest that men need to cry more.

Ladies and gentleman, Madam Toastmaster I want you to cry. It’s good for you. You can do it right now, I have a box of tissues, or if you want we can wait for the prize giving when the Sergeant at Arms doesn’t give you the trophy. Why wait till tomorrow when you’re stuck in traffic on the N1 or until the 7 o clock news when Julius Malema’s wisdom wants to make you cry.

I also don’t care how much you cry. One silent tear will be enough, crocodile tears will be even better a bucket full of tears would exceed my expectations. You know what ladies and gentlemen why don’t you just cry me a river?

Madam Toastmaster

Toastmasters International Humorous Speech 2009

I competed in Toastmasters International District 74's Area A2 Humorous Contest on October 8 2009. The copyright of the speech belongs to me: Zani Smit

THE SECRET CHICKEN CONVENTION - Zani Smit

This is Ann Gardner, life from NASA headquarters, reporting on a strange event that took place. A spaceship just crashed into planet Jupiter and no one is claiming responsibility. Not the Taliban, not Zimbabwe and not even the aliens. The spaceship looks like and egg and the pilot has a red beak. We will now play the SOUND coming from the ship.

SFX: chickens plucking

My fellow chicks and chickens don’t be afraid. You’ve risked your lives to attend tonight’s Secret Chicken Convention but I can assure you that this venue is safe and that no chicken will be grilled or fried here tonight. Listen chickens a few humans managed to sneak in, don’t panic our secrets are safe the SAA is programming their brains and they now think this is a humorous contest. If any of the humans laugh then smile and wave.

We are here tonight to discuss our plans to take over the known and unknown universe. you’ve just heard the human news they have no clue that we chickens just conquered another planet Jupiter. Right after the big bang my great, great, great, great, great (pause) great grandfather was the first being to leave earth’s atmosphere and to land on the moon. His words: “one small step for chicken kind, one giant leap for poultry”

The agenda for tonight’s Secret Chicken Convention:
a) How do we fool the humans into believing chickens are stupid farm animals
b) The financing of our space missions
c) A progress report on our accomplishments


A) How do we fool the humans when they have spy satellites? We have much more sophisticated technology that allows us to see everywhere even what is going on in district 9. I’m taking about chicken agents that we station on every single church roof. The training is vigorous these roosters have to sit as still as statues, overcome their fear of heights and move with the wind.

There is a problem, one human suspects our plans the former minister of health, garlic & beetroot. The one who likes her alternative medicines. When she was just a little girl our scientists tried to eliminate her with chicken pocks. Then when she hit menopause the military doctors took over and gave her bird flu. None of our efforts have worked so this year we will use a not so kosher solution – swine flu.

B) How do we finance our space missions? What do you see on the street corner of every small town, big city, township? KFC, Nando’s, Chicken Licken. Fast Food restaurants that make a lot of money for us because we own them. The best news is that they don’t sell chicken.

C) Our progress report shows that we chickens are clearly the winners of the space race. Humans are too busy asking themselves silly questions.

What came first the chicken or the egg? Why did the chicken cross the road?
Is Michael Jackson really dead?

Let's take a closer look at our accomlishments and at Human stupidity.

We chickens land on the moon then NASA files a report saying the chicken crossed the road because he wanted to get laid.

We take over mars, Venus, mercury and Pluto then the Taliban uploads an underground video saying: the chicken was on a suicide mission, he will now live on in infamy as the chicken who dared to cross the road.

My fellow chicks and chickens it’s sad that humans are so easily distracted from the truth. The earth is melting down and their own race is dying from diseases that can’t be cured by garlic & beetroot.

In reality we chickens aren’t crossing towards the other side of the road
Tonight we are leaving earth and would have crossed to the other side of the universe.
Contest Chairman

New Zealand through my lens

Just some special moments I captured on holiday in New Zealand.

Movie of the year: District 9

Aliesns, Prawn, Xeneophia, Scamming Nigerians... "District 9" has it all - this movie is the best Sci-Fi since Aliens, it's hillariously funny and it says a lot about humanity.

Trick or Treat with Sexy skeletons

It's almost time for Halloween, if you can't find a date then why not take a sexy skeleton to trick or treat with you.

The light side of Fashion

Coca-Cola lite makes a bold fashion statement

Promises from the word of God

The blood of Jesus Christ cleanses you from sin.
1 John 1:7; Col 1:14

Jesus Christ died to give you eternal life.
John 3: 16; John 6:47

Expect His presence in your life.
Ex 33: 14; Ps 140:13

You can expect answers to your prayers.
John 15:7; Mark 11:24

God will teach you the turth
Ps: 32:8; Is: 28:26

God will work miracles in your life.
Mark 9:23; John 14:12

God will fill your life with love.
1 John 4:16; John 15:10

You can grow spiritually.
2 Cor 3:18; Eph 3 17-19

God will bless your family.
Jer 32:39; Ps 115:14

God wants us to live in peace.
2 Cor 11:16; John 13:35

Bible verses for your personal problems

Here are some bible verses that address specific personal problems.

Doubt & fear?
Phil 4:13; Cor 3:5

Hard to live a clean life?
1 Cor 6:11; Jude 24

Need peace of mind?
Phil 4:7; Is 32:17

Tempted?
Rom 8:37; 1 Cor 10:13

Hung up with guilt?
Rom 8:1; Rom 3:24

Financial worries?
Phil 4:19; Luke 11:9

Unhappy?
Ps 126:5; Ps 45:7

Need Protection?
Gen 28:15; Ps 4:8

Hung up with guilt?
Rom 8:1; Rom 3:24

Sickness a problem?
James 5:15; Mark 16: 17-18

Need wisdom?
James 1:5; Ecc 2:26

Are you lonely?
Heb 13:5; Is 54:10

Impatient?
Heb 10:36; Gal 6:9

Grieving?
PS 23:4; 2 Thes 2: 16-17

Feeling inadequate/frustrated?
Is 45:24; 1 Cor 1:30

Feeling insecure?
Deut 33:27; Ps 46:1

The Dark Knight - my favourite quotes

Joker: "I'm a simple man, i like gun powder and gasoline, there cheap."

Joker: "People will die.... starting tonight....im a man of my word...."
Joker: "I believe that what doesn't kill you simply makes you...stronger."
Joker:“You won’t kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness and I won’t kill you because you’re too much fun; I think you and I are destined to do this forever”

Joker:" I dont want to kill you , you complete me"
Joker:"How about a magic trick make this pencil disappear tada its gone"

Harvey Dent: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a villan"

The interrogation scene:
Joker: “Evening Commissioner”
Gordon:“Harvey Dent never made it home”
Joker:“Of course not”
Gordon:“What have you done with him?”
Joker:“Me? I was right here … who’d you leave him with hmm … your people? Assuming of course they are still your people and not Maroni’s … does it depress you commissioner to know just how alone you really are … does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent’s current predicament?
Gordon:“Where is he?”
Joker:“What’s the time?”
Gordon:“What difference does that make?”
Joker:“Well depending on the time he may be in one spot or several”
Gordon:“If we’re going to play games … removes Joker’s restraints … I’m going to need a cup of coffee”
Joker:“Ah the good cop bad cop routine”
Gordon:“Not exactly”
[The lights come on and Gordon leaves revealing that Batman is also there who slams the Joker’s head into the table.]

[Batman slams fist down on Joker’s hand]

Batman:“You wanted me … here I am”

Joker:“I wanted to see what you’d do and you didn’t disappoint … you let five people die, then you let Dent take your place … even to a guy like me that’s cold”

Batman:“Where’s Dent?”

Joker:“Those mob fools want you gone so they can get back to the way things were, but I know the truth there’s no going back, you’ve changed things … forever”

Batman:“Then why’d you want to kill me?”

[Joker laughs]

Joker:“I don’t want to kill you … what would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers no … no, no … no … no you … you complete me”

Batman:“You’re garbage who kills for money”

Joker:“Don’t talk like one of them you’re not … even if you’d like to be … to them you’re just a freak … like me … they need you right now but when they don’t they’ll cast you out like a leper … see their morals their codes … it’s a bad joke dropped at the first sign of trouble … their only as good as the world allows them to be … I’ll show you … when the chips are down these err civilised people, they’ll eat each other … see I’m not a monster, I’m just ahead of the curve.”

[Batman leaps up and grabs the Joker and pulls him over the table.]

Batman:“Where is Dent?”

Joker:“All these rules do you think they’ll save you?”

[Batman slams Joker against brick wall]

Batman:“I have one rule”

Joker:“Oh and that’s the rule you’ll have to break to know the truth”

Batman:“Which is?”

Joker:“The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules and tonight you’re going to break your one rule”

Batman:“I’m considering it”

Joker:“Well there’s only minutes left so you’re going to have to play my little game if you want to save one of them”

Batman:“Them?”
Joker:“You know for a while there I thought you really were Dent, the way you threw yourself after her”

[Batman slams Joker down on the table and then bolts the door with a chair.(Coughing)]

Joker: “Look at you go … does Harvey know about you and his little bunny…?”

[Batman slams the Joker head-first into the reflective glass and cracks it.]

Batman:“Where are they?!”

Joker:“Killing is making a choice”

[Batman punches him]

Joker:“You choose between one life or the other, your friend the District Attorney or the blushing bride-to-be” …

[Batman punches Joker again … (Joker laughing)]

Joker: “You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with, nothing to do with all your strength” … [Batman picks him up by the collar]

Joker:“Don’t worry I’m going to tell you where they are … both of them and that’s the point … you’ll have to choose either 252nd street and she’s out Avenue X.”

Why so serious?