Toastmasters International Humorous Speech 2009

I competed in Toastmasters International District 74's Area A2 Humorous Contest on October 8 2009. The copyright of the speech belongs to me: Zani Smit

THE SECRET CHICKEN CONVENTION - Zani Smit

This is Ann Gardner, life from NASA headquarters, reporting on a strange event that took place. A spaceship just crashed into planet Jupiter and no one is claiming responsibility. Not the Taliban, not Zimbabwe and not even the aliens. The spaceship looks like and egg and the pilot has a red beak. We will now play the SOUND coming from the ship.

SFX: chickens plucking

My fellow chicks and chickens don’t be afraid. You’ve risked your lives to attend tonight’s Secret Chicken Convention but I can assure you that this venue is safe and that no chicken will be grilled or fried here tonight. Listen chickens a few humans managed to sneak in, don’t panic our secrets are safe the SAA is programming their brains and they now think this is a humorous contest. If any of the humans laugh then smile and wave.

We are here tonight to discuss our plans to take over the known and unknown universe. you’ve just heard the human news they have no clue that we chickens just conquered another planet Jupiter. Right after the big bang my great, great, great, great, great (pause) great grandfather was the first being to leave earth’s atmosphere and to land on the moon. His words: “one small step for chicken kind, one giant leap for poultry”

The agenda for tonight’s Secret Chicken Convention:
a) How do we fool the humans into believing chickens are stupid farm animals
b) The financing of our space missions
c) A progress report on our accomplishments


A) How do we fool the humans when they have spy satellites? We have much more sophisticated technology that allows us to see everywhere even what is going on in district 9. I’m taking about chicken agents that we station on every single church roof. The training is vigorous these roosters have to sit as still as statues, overcome their fear of heights and move with the wind.

There is a problem, one human suspects our plans the former minister of health, garlic & beetroot. The one who likes her alternative medicines. When she was just a little girl our scientists tried to eliminate her with chicken pocks. Then when she hit menopause the military doctors took over and gave her bird flu. None of our efforts have worked so this year we will use a not so kosher solution – swine flu.

B) How do we finance our space missions? What do you see on the street corner of every small town, big city, township? KFC, Nando’s, Chicken Licken. Fast Food restaurants that make a lot of money for us because we own them. The best news is that they don’t sell chicken.

C) Our progress report shows that we chickens are clearly the winners of the space race. Humans are too busy asking themselves silly questions.

What came first the chicken or the egg? Why did the chicken cross the road?
Is Michael Jackson really dead?

Let's take a closer look at our accomlishments and at Human stupidity.

We chickens land on the moon then NASA files a report saying the chicken crossed the road because he wanted to get laid.

We take over mars, Venus, mercury and Pluto then the Taliban uploads an underground video saying: the chicken was on a suicide mission, he will now live on in infamy as the chicken who dared to cross the road.

My fellow chicks and chickens it’s sad that humans are so easily distracted from the truth. The earth is melting down and their own race is dying from diseases that can’t be cured by garlic & beetroot.

In reality we chickens aren’t crossing towards the other side of the road
Tonight we are leaving earth and would have crossed to the other side of the universe.
Contest Chairman