Toastmaters CC3 - get to the point

Here is my CC3 speech that I gave at my Toastmaster club. The objective of the speech is to get to the point. The copyright of this entire speech belongs to Zani Smit and may not be reproduced.

CRY ME A RIVER - Zani Smit

We all enter this world crying, and then 50 or 60 or 80 years later when we’re again pink and wrinkly we leave this world with everyone else crying at our funerals.

Madam Toastmaster, ladies & Gentlemen

My favorite memory of my dad is not of him laughing when I told a knock-knock joke, or getting excited when he opened his X-mass present of blue handkerchiefs. It is of him sitting next to me in the movie theater. I was only 10 years old and we were watching Lion King. I didn’t have a box of popcorn on my lap but a box of Kleenex because my Dad was bawling his eyes out. I still remember the scene, Mufasa’s Ghost said: “Look inside yourself Simba, you are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life. Remember who you are. You are my son, and the one true King.”

I stored this memory of my Dad and years later when he had to walk me down the aisle I was well prepared for his tears and had a bunch of tissues hidden underneath my wedding veil.

Why do we love to cry? And why is it so important to cry? Maybe it’s because crying is so spontaneous even more so than laughing. Let’s first take a look at why woman cry. When your boyfriend gets down on one knee and pops the question it’s only natural to cry. He wouldn’t be impressed if you started laughing when you saw the size of that diamond. It’s also very natural to cry when you get a speeding ticket for driving 100 in an 80 zone and you’re pulled over by the metro police. There I said it – Woman use crying as a manipulation tool.

Are there any males in this audience who likes to cry? Please raise your hand if you do. When is it acceptable for men to cry… when they are chopping an onion, when their sports team loses or when their little girl’s heart gets broken for the very first time.

According to various cultures there are many acceptable reasons to cry .The first reason to cry is death. Grieving includes crying and people still believe that if someone does not cry at a funeral, they would suffer physically because they did not release their pain. Experiences in life and love are other reasons society allows us to cry. Cultures around the world are pro crying out of obligation, for show, and for grief and pain. We need to cry to function in the world.

Crying is a more complicated process than one would at first imagine. First of all, you get different types of tears.
1) Basal tears keep our eyes lubricated.
2) Reflex tears are produced when our eyes get irritated – like when you are chopping an onion.
3) The last kind of tear is produced when the body reacts emotionally to something.

Each type of tear contains different amounts of chemical proteins and hormones. Crying reduces these hormone and chemical levels in the body, and helps us return to a calm

That is why crying is beneficial to us both emotionally and physically. Traditionally Women have been allowed to cry more than men but the benefits of crying seem to suggest that men need to cry more.

Ladies and gentleman, Madam Toastmaster I want you to cry. It’s good for you. You can do it right now, I have a box of tissues, or if you want we can wait for the prize giving when the Sergeant at Arms doesn’t give you the trophy. Why wait till tomorrow when you’re stuck in traffic on the N1 or until the 7 o clock news when Julius Malema’s wisdom wants to make you cry.

I also don’t care how much you cry. One silent tear will be enough, crocodile tears will be even better a bucket full of tears would exceed my expectations. You know what ladies and gentlemen why don’t you just cry me a river?

Madam Toastmaster

Toastmasters International Humorous Speech

I competed in Toastmasters International District 74's Area A2 Humorous Contest on October 8 2009. The copyright of the speech belongs to me: Zani Smit

THE SECRET CHICKEN CONVENTION - Zani Smit

This is Ann Gardner, life from NASA headquarters, reporting on a strange event that took place. A spaceship just crashed into planet Jupiter and no one is claiming responsibility. Not the Taliban, not Zimbabwe and not even the aliens. The spaceship looks like and egg and the pilot has a red beak. We will now play the SOUND coming from the ship.

Pik pik pik kla kla kla

My fellow chicks and chickens don’t be afraid. You’ve risked your lives to attend tonight’s Secret Chicken Convention but I can assure you that this venue is safe and that no chicken will be grilled or fried here tonight. Listen chickens a few humans managed to sneak in, don’t panic our secrets are safe the SAA is programming their brains and they now think this is a humorous contest. If any of the humans laugh then smile and wave.

We are here tonight to discuss our plans to take over the known and unknown universe. you’ve just heard the human news they have no clue that we chickens just conquered another planet Jupiter. Right after the big bang my great, great, great, great, great (pause) great grandfather was the first being to leave earth’s atmosphere and to land on the moon. His words: “one small step for chicken kind, one giant leap for poultry”

The agenda for tonight’s Secret Chicken Convention:
a) How do we fool the humans into believing chickens are stupid farm animals
b) The financing of our space missions
c) A progress report on our accomplishments


A) How do we fool the humans when they have spy satellites? We have much more sophisticated technology that allows us to see everywhere even what is going on in district 9. I’m taking about chicken agents that we station on every single church roof. The training is vigorous these roosters have to sit as still as statues, overcome their fear of heights and move with the wind.

There is a problem, one human suspects our plans the former minister of health, garlic & beetroot. The one who likes her alternative medicines. When she was just a little girl our scientists tried to eliminate her with chicken pocks. Then when she hit menopause the military doctors took over and gave her bird flu. None of our efforts have worked so this year we will use a not so kosher solution – swine flu.

B) How do we finance our space missions? What do you see on the street corner of every small town, big city, township? KFC, Nando’s, Chicken Licken. Fast Food restaurants that make a lot of money for us because we own them. The best news is that they don’t sell chicken.

C) Our progress report shows that we chickens are clearly the winners of the space race. Humans are too busy asking themselves silly questions.

What came first the chicken or the egg? Why did the chicken cross the road?
Is Michael Jackson really dead?

Let's take a closer look at our accomlishments and at Human stupidity.

We chickens land on the moon then NASA files a report saying the chicken crossed the road because he wanted to get laid.

We take over mars, Venus, mercury and Pluto then the Taliban uploads an underground video saying: the chicken was on a suicide mission, he will now live on in infamy as the chicken who dared to cross the road.

My fellow chicks and chickens it’s sad that humans are so easily distracted from the truth. The earth is melting down and their own race is dying from diseases that can’t be cured by garlic & beetroot.

In reality we chickens aren’t crossing towards the other side of the road
Tonight we are leaving earth and would have crossed to the other side of the universe.
Contest Chairman

Untitled - because i have so much to say

I’m crying and I don’t know why
It’s not like someone died or I have to say Bye
Maybe I’m happy I just don’t know what to say
or overly ecstatic but it’s work instead of play

It’s strange planning once future
when you can’t see round the bends
or connecting with old acquaintances
when you can’t really call them friends

So tomorrow I’m older adding one year
new house, car, ? kids… definitely a faster gear
should I celebrate or should I be scared
run, hide, stay, complain… or should I just not care